I’ve always envied her.

No, not because of her looks.

Not because of her money.

But because of her ability to not feel:

her ability to block out an experience completely

and force herself to be okay with it. She treated me

as if nothing had ever broken my heart, as if

mentioning his name didn’t churn my insides,

as if I wanted to entertain thoughts of him, like he were

just an old friend. I’ve watched her shrug off her own

heartbreaks, I’ve watched her stay friends with

the boys who’ve hurt her, as if nothing had happened,

so it’s no surprise she’d expect me to be the same.

I can’t talk to her about it; I feel pathetically weak

for having to do everything in my power to block out

a single boy who hurt me, whilst she eats lunch

at a table full of past-loves. I wish I could do it, I really do.

I’m forced to wonder if it’s maybe because she’s never truly loved at all.



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