I’ve always envied her.
No, not because of her looks.
Not because of her money.
But because of her ability to not feel:
her ability to block out an experience completely
and force herself to be okay with it. She treated me
as if nothing had ever broken my heart, as if
mentioning his name didn’t churn my insides,
as if I wanted to entertain thoughts of him, like he were
just an old friend. I’ve watched her shrug off her own
heartbreaks, I’ve watched her stay friends with
the boys who’ve hurt her, as if nothing had happened,
so it’s no surprise she’d expect me to be the same.
I can’t talk to her about it; I feel pathetically weak
for having to do everything in my power to block out
a single boy who hurt me, whilst she eats lunch
at a table full of past-loves. I wish I could do it, I really do.
I’m forced to wonder if it’s maybe because she’s never truly loved at all.