Flashback

We saw each other today

For the first time since

our last step of separation

You with your friends, and I with mine

Smiles plastered on our faces

Laughs genuine until

our presence was made known

For a minute I felt uneasy,

the next, curious.

And then the sharp pain of rejection

that I had tried to forget

I covered it up with thoughts of

my superficial advantages

hoping they would satisfy my sudden need for comfort

All the while fighting the simmering thoughts and memories of you.

I won, at least until I was alone again.

Memories burst out into my mind,

finally unleashed from behind the bars

and made it known to me

that I could not fight them this time.

They had been waiting too long.

They had cornered me.

Hands, touching.

Squeezing.

Heartbeat racing.

Lips touching.

Eyes gazing.

Mouths, smiling.

Laughing.

Clothes, dropping.

Skin, touching.

Heating.

Cuddling.

Loving.

Talking.

Disagreeing.

Fighting.

Crying.

Doubting.

Trying.

Leaving.

Longing.

They come at me in jagged sequence

Attacking me from all sides

rendering me useless for as long as they persist.

Being reminded of the painful times hurts.

But it gives meaning to the pain of separation.

But being reminded of the happy times is what hurts me most.

Knowing that what we once had we’ve lost.

Or that maybe we never had it in the first place.

And that now we’re at this point.

Walking on opposite sides,

in opposite directions

You with your friends,

and I with mine.

Smiles plastered on our faces,

Laughing,

searching for the happiness we couldn’t find in each other

                        -C.M.

[written: 3 November 2015, 03:52]

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